


Whiteish Hair and Decades of Memories

by StrangledAvatar



Category: Hollyoaks
Genre: Angst, Fear of Death, Inner Dialogue, M/M, Threats of Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-08
Updated: 2019-06-08
Packaged: 2020-04-12 13:15:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19132771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StrangledAvatar/pseuds/StrangledAvatar
Summary: What was going through Harry's head when faced with Grace Black.





	Whiteish Hair and Decades of Memories

**Author's Note:**

> I like to write different types of stories and formats. This one is tricky. It's introspective. There are dialogue moments but most of this is Harry's stream on consciousness. There are some pointed thoughts he has...important ideas that he wants to visualize/verbalize. It's hard to convey the physical emotional state in an introspective piece...so just know when reading this, Harry's on the verge of freaking out. He's crying inside. Some thoughts race quickly and some are slow. I did my best to convey that...but I probably failed.
> 
> Any feedback is most welcome.

“ **Just in time**.”

 

I can remember sitting in that cell and wondering if I would die alone, locked up like the animal I was. Or before that, freezing on the streets—ignored by everyone. When Ste had that chair after our non-wedding, I thought he may use it on me. When the tree came down and I felt a force on top of me, maybe that was my time. After James threw me out and my dad told me to go, the pain was almost enough to make me want to die.

 

But I never thought I’d die delivering food for my dad’s restaurant. I never thought today would be the day I die.

 

Grace Black has a gun pointed at me and the world fades away. Everything is so quiet. Everything is so slow.

****

_I’m going to die._

_Right here._

_Right now._

_Alone._

“ **I’m sorry but I.I didn’t run you over**.” My hands shake, even as I hold them up to protect myself. A useless defense against the rage of this broken woman.

 

Her voice raises to scream at me, “ **Shut up! Just shut up**!” But her hand never wavers. The gun is surprisingly still. I can’t stop looking at it.

 

Distantly, I hear shouting but all I see is that gun.

 

“ **He needs to pay for what he did to me**.” Who is she talking to? Is someone else here?

 

Pleading, “ **But it wasn’t me**!” She won’t believe me but it’s the truth. It’s the truth. I swear. I wouldn’t do that again. Not after Amy. I wouldn’t do it. As frantic as my mind is, I can’t get the words out. I have to say something. Just SAY SOMETHING!

 

Someone’s talking again. What are they saying? I can’t hear them over the roar in my head.

The gun.

The gun is blurry now. Am I crying? I can’t stop shaking. I can’t move. I can’t breathe.

 

“ **I don’t care! I just want him gone**.” Who gone?

 

Me.

 

She wants me gone. She wants me dead. I don’t want to die. There are so many things I’ve not done…so many things I want to. I can’t focus. It’s that gun.

My thoughts, they’re racing too fast.

 

_James._

_I want James._

Someone’s in front of me now. James? I want him to be here. I want him to save me. I want him to hold me.

 

I can feel the tears in my eyes. Have they started to fall? James! There are so much left unsaid and so much life unlived between us. I want to tell you that I love the whiteish hair in your beard or the grey above your ears. I want to see more. I want to see you when all of your beard is white and when your hair is more grey than not. I want those years. I want those decades of memories. I don’t want to die, James.

 

_I love you._

 

It’s Liam. Why is he here? Why is he in front of me? Why is he protecting me?

 

Grace is now focused on him. Maybe she’ll let me go. “ **Please just let me go, okay? I won’t say anything! I swear.** ” I won’t. I’ll never breathe a word about it to any. Just let me go. Please. PLEASE. Am I saying this out loud?

 

“ **Shut it**.” Liam’s right. She’s not listening to me. She’s going to kill me. The tears, I can feel them but I’m afraid to let them fall. The fear is closing my throat. I don’t want to die.

 

If I die, will it be like Lily’s funeral? Family members and friends crying over their loss.

 

No. Not for me.

 

Maybe my dad would cry. He was almost crying earlier. He said he loved me. So maybe, he’ll cry. And maybe in death, I can be the kind of son that he can be proud of. Maybe my mom will come back, and she can see me again—I miss her. Ant and Dee Dee, please don’t let them forget me.

 

_James_

 

I don’t want to die yet. I wasted so much time. I knew I loved him, but I was too scared to let go of Ste. What Ste represented. What I would lose. I was such a coward.

 

_I’m sorry James._

 

We were just getting started. So many things have happened in the past, but we got through them. But I don’t think I’m going to get through this.

 

I can hear them talking and now there’s someone else in front of me. Does it matter? Grace is going to kill me.

 

_Please don’t let me die._

 

If I live, the first thing I’m going to do is find James. I’m going to tell him all the things that I haven’t. How there are times when I look at him and I can’t breathe for how much I love him. How even the times he drives me mad, it’s only because he means so much to me.

 

_I’m proud of you_.

 

_I trust you._

_I love you._

_This life, I want it with you…always._

 

I’m leaning against the wall, staring at Grace and that gun. Somethings happening now. Her face? It’s changing. Is she crying?

 

What do I say?

 

She’s been through so much. I can’t even imagine how much pain she’s in. I wish I could help her.

 

She’s dropped the gun. She’s DROPPED THE GUN!

 

My legs…they can’t hold me up anymore. I can’t breathe. I can’t—someone’s grabbed me. Someone’s holding me. It’s not James. But I can find him. I’m going to find him.

 

_I’m not going to die._

 


End file.
